Archive for December, 2010


Whether I’m staring unproductively at my work computer screen or simply lying in bed, awake but feeling like Rocky during his post-fight shower at the beginning of Rocky V, nothing is more obnoxious and more poorly received than the snarky text, g-chat, or what-have-you from the judgmental bystander who bore witness to the calamitous bender the night before.

  • SOMEBODY had a good time last night.
  • How are YOU feeling today?
  • YOU certainly had fun last night.

Though such comments are harmless and well intentioned between good buds, when said with an air of passive-aggressiveness by a person on the periphery of your friend-sphere or a co-worker you aren’t that tight with, it is more to say that, in their opinion, you acted like a drunken boob last night.

And while you’re initial reaction may be to buy into their assessment, recoil with guilt, and nervously try to remember what behavior could have prompted such a critique, don’t! Because that’s the reaction they’re hoping for, and in the grand scheme of things, you probably didn’t even do anything that uncouth or embarrassing anyway.

You see, such back-handed pleasantries are generally not motivated by objective good-will or camaraderie, but instead by feelings of jealousy that probably existed well before last night’s epicness. Maybe you perform better than them at work. Maybe you’re just more fun and people like you more. Or maybe this person just wanted to get with you and got bitter when you didn’t pay him or her any attention. Either way, their jealousy and resulting insecurities make them consistently strive to reassure themselves of their own superiority.  And what better way to do that than to leap at any and every opportunity to highlight what they perceive to be your failures.

SO, to these self-righteous weasels I say, spare me your snarky guilt-trip! I’m not sorry that I went out and got awesome last night. And I’m NOT sorry that I had more fun than a squirrel trapped in a convenience store while you chose to be the anchor on everybody’s fun-boat. Because I know your game and I know what you’re up to. And if you think your loaded sarcasm is going to fill me with next-day remorse or otherwise put a bee in my bonnet, then answer me this:




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Shut up, Lady! I was only kidding… sorta.

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Try the Nutty Bahhhs, Ya Prick!

Whether it’s professional commercial actors making a mockery of the Boston accent or simply a small business owner from Boston starring in his own ad, commercials that feature a thick Boston accent have a way of making me cringe more than that scene in About Schmidt where Kathy Bates shows full-frontal nudity.

But the weird thing is I can’t really pinpoint why they’re so painful. Maybe it’s just because the accent is so distracting. Or maybe it’s because it insults my intelligence – as if I’m going to say “wow, I’m from Boston, so I can identify with this commercial. This company totally gets me. So I’m totally gonna buy their shit!” Or maybe it’s just because I know its gonna be used against me the next time some slap-dick from New York gets drunk and tries to tell me why New York is better than Boston – a debate that misguided tourists from New York always seem to think people from Boston want to have.

Either way, I think two rules of thumb could eradicate this phenomenon once and for all:

(1) For small business owners, if your business can’t afford to make a commercial that looks professional and stars someone other than you, then don’t make one. Stick to print ads. Consumers don’t respect cheap commercials.
(2) For larger companies, don’t pander to us by lampooning the accent we hear everyday. It doesn’t inflate us with a sense of pride and it doesn’t make us say “wow, you get me.” It just makes your company look like its run by a bunch of phony weasels and it’s “wicked” lame.

Perhaps some painstaking examples could help illustrate my point:

McDonalds’ Commercial for Newman’s Own New England Blend Coffee: Possibly the most gut-wrenching ad campaign to ever come down the Pike (pun INtended). A classic example of a big company going for the “wow, you get me” effect. Epic Fail – I hate these guys.

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P S Gourmet Coffee in South Boston: This ad, starring a guy who looks like someone you’d see getting tossed from Jose McIntyre’s, is also pretty brutal. But I’m pretty sure it only airs within the Boston city limits. On UrbanSpoon.com, this joint’s only reviewer said “coffee’s decent but they have a shady crew of rapper wanna be’s hanging outside.” Gee…wouldn’t have guessed.

Side note: When I went to get this on YouTube I noticed that one month ago my friend, Luke Grilli posted a comment mocking it. Bravo, Luke. Bravo.



Olympia Sports: If I was this dad, I’d tell this jerk to pull over so I could kick his ass both for questioning my skills as a parent and for sassing my boy.





Final Note, Unrelated to Commercials: To quote my friend, Ben Martin while once examining a mysterious piece of cafeteria meat, “What.  The Fu#k.  Is this?”

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29. Cuba Gooding, Jr.

"Show me the money! The straight-to-DVD money that is!"

Although I personally thought that the slapstick romp, Rat Race was awesome, objectively I can admit that this was the beginning of the end for CGJ. For soon thereafter, in an ultimate twist of irony, the beloved actor who once won an Oscar for his performance in a movie about what a great agent he had, began methodically kicking his career in the plums by taking on crap-movie after crap-movie until his professional integrity rivaled that of his brother, Omar (of Wild ‘n’ Crazy Kids fame) who is now arguably the cooler of the Gooding brothers (mostly because he probably still hangs out with Mr. Cooper from Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper – and that guy’s pretty awesome. He also might be able to hook you up with Donnie Jeffcoat, although I heard they had a falling out – possibly over a love triangle with Annette Chavez.)

After catching his foot in his undies with Rat Race, CGJ proceeded to hop clumsily through Snow Dogs, The Fighting Temptations, and Boat Trip before going full-retard in Radio (which, as Kirk Lazarus explained in Tropic Thunder, is a death-blow to any actor’s career).

After that, things just got worse for the once great  Boy ‘n’ the Hood, as a cursory survey of his post-Radio filmography reveals a body of work slightly more impressive than that of Joey Lawrence.  Besides bit-parts in American Gangster and Norbit, the most impressive of his roughly twenty-five movies is Daddy Day Camp, the trailer for which I believe caused me to throw a shoe at my television.

And it’s sad really, because Cuba didn’t always suck. Quite the opposite, in fact – Boyz ‘n’ the Hood was the balls; Jerry Maguire was awesome; and Men of Honor was pretty sweet.  And just like everyone else, I thought for many years that Cuba was going to one day replace Morgan Freeman as Hollywood’s light-black-skin-with-freckles, sage-wise elder statesman… But it seems that that won’t happen now, as Cuba Gooding, Jr. has foregone his position as a highly sought after talent and instead opted to compete with Jean Claude Van Damme in the straight-to-DVD market.

So for allowing your once impressive career to implode; for letting me down; for letting US down; but most of all, for letting Morgan Freeman down, I say without reservation that you, Mr. Gooding Jr., SUCK!

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Full Craigslist Post - Click To Enlarge

How is it that every rubber, tugger, and flaxen-haired murderer can turn to Craigslist to peddle their perverse wares, but I can’t recruit a local high school sports team to strap on a set of reins and tow me to work on a dog sled?

Now how the hell am I supposed to get to work?? Riddle me THAT, Craig!

You Swine!

Publicity Stunt Gone Awry! After only 35 minutes no less!




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"I've got one bullet and it's got your email address on it... Don't make me hit Send." - Assy McGee

Editors Note: The following entry is considerably longer than the average PWS post. I assure you, however, that it is well worth the read. I know this because I laughed uncontrollably while plagiarizing most of it from the Assy McGee Wikipedia Page.

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In what is perhaps the most egregious conduct to yet appear on People Who Suck, the show Assy McGee was cancelled in 2008 after only 20 episodes, no doubt at the behest of some sleazy, greased-up studio-bastard who I would imagine looks something like Clarke Griswold’s neighbor in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”

Assy McGee was an animated sitcom featuring police detective Assy McGee, a parody of tough-guy cops, who is literally a walking pair of buttocks. The show revolved around the antics of Assy McGee, an ultra-violent and emotionally disturbed police detective who just happens to have no upper torso, head, or arms. With the help of his partner Sanchez (often against the wishes of his superior officers), Assy patrols the streets of Exeter, New Hampshire.

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Horribly violent and clinically depressed, Assy is a parody of the 1970s/1980s movie cops as seen in such films as Dirty HarryLethal Weapon and Cobra: trigger-happy, tough, at times hopelessly depressed, and in conflict with his fellow officers as often as he is in conflict with crime. Assy has a slurred style of speech similar to Sylvester Stallone, though it is far more muffled, possibly due to his anatomy or inebriation (or both). Sometimes, when out of breath, or even just peeved, Assy will flatulate.

Assy has stated that he is of Cuban descent. His Cuban heritage is backed up in the episode, “Conviction” when a childhood picture of Assy with a Cuban hat is shown in the background. We learn in the episode “Hands Up” that Assy served in Vietnam, when a war flashback causes him to accidentally fire a bullet from an AK-47 into the abdomen of a World War II veteran.

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It is unclear whether Assy possesses genitalia, though it is strongly implied on a few occasions. He has been shown walking in profile with no visible genital protrusion or covering, but he requested a “happy ending” from a masseuse in the episodes “The Flirty Black Man”, and “Murder By The Docks”. He is also perfectly capable of urinating in the canonical fashion. It should also be noted that in the first episode, “Murder By the Docks” Assy requested a handjob at a massage parlor as Sanchez was attacked by ninjas. In the episode “Vowel Play,” it is implied that Assy has undersized genitals when he indicates that he can only give a school sex education teacher “four and half inches.”

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In addition to his police duties, Assy owns a used car, hot tub, and driveway repair dealership off “Exit 19” in Exeter. He claims to have all the new Scion xBs in stock, as well as having a true price guarantee and an unwillingness to give cars to people without credit (“Bad credit? No credit? Sorry, that’s your problem, asshole!”) His slogan for the business is “Don’t make me run your ass over!” Ads for Assy’s Scion/Used Car dealership began to appear in Season 2 of the show and are the result of an exclusive sponsored placement of the Scion product. (Note to self: Buy a Scion when next in the market for a new car. For they are clearly a forward-thinking company).

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In addition to Assy, the show boasts an impressive supporting cast that includes:

Detective Don Sanchez – Assy’s partner and a version of the good cop stereotype. He has a wife and three children, including a son named Rudolpho, and often finds himself playing (unsuccessfully) the voice of reason to Assy. Sanchez bears a strong physical and vocal resemblance to Latino actor Luis Guzmán. Sanchez’s wife, Brenda, wants a divorce from him. It was revealed in the episode “Bikes for Bombs” that Rudolpho may not be his son. It was further revealed that Assy had sex with Brenda on their honeymoon and she gave him an STD (“Every day I take a leak, I’m sorry,” Assy says). In two episodes of season two (“Johnny Arson” and “Squirrels”) it’s implied that Sanchez is a pyromaniac, having set a fire in one and standing staring at a fire in the latter episode.

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Greg “The Chief” – almost always referred to as “The Chief” (who bears a resemblance to Al Pacino), is the chief of the Exeter police department. He often argues with Assy over cases, yet is mesmerized when Assy is able to solve a case. In several episodes, the chief demands that Assy “hand over his badge and his gun in the morning” although this never seems to take place (besides the first episode which concludes with him giving back Assy’s badge and firearm). Despite this, the chief seems to show a grudging respect for Assy. The chief frequently appears to have private explicit sexual conversations in which he offers advice of various kinds to the party on the other end of the phone such as “Just drop ya load in her dumper.” He also has had an affair with Brenda, Sanchez’ wife, which is probably on-going. He abruptly ends these when someone enters his office. He also has tattoos all over his upper body and is physically fit.

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Officer DiLorenzo – a heavy-set, thick-headed, light-skinned police officer for the Exeter police department. DiLorenzo often teases Assy and doubts his actions. He seems to be a rather hated person in the Exeter police department. Assy is known to refer to him as “DiRetardo” much to DiLorenzo’s chagrin. Despite this, he seems to be a hard worker during appropriate times. In the episode, “Pharmassy”, DiLorenzo’s improv as a pizza guy prevents the Mayor of Exeter from getting shot; however, the end result gets DiLorenzo gunned down instead.

Glen – (1975 – May 11, 2008) was the bartender for Bill W’s, the bar that Assy often patrons in the show. Glen once bailed Assy out of prison, despite being the person responsible for putting him in there in the first place. He also made Assy walk home from the prison afterwards. In the episode, “Irish Wake,” Glen was tragically murdered by an Irish bookie after failing to pay up loans for losing wagers, although he was replaced with a different bartender soon after.

“The Father” – (a priest) is the nameless religious figure from whom Assy often seeks spiritual healing and guidance. He is usually found sitting at the bar in Bill W’s.

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But of course, like so many other shows that I have loved and lost (e.g. Get a Life and The Winner), Assy McGee’s nuanced ingenuity was not recognized or embraced by John and Jane Q. Viewer. So, although much too young to die, Assy McGee was taken from us far too soon, a la the virginal but sagewise Thomas J. in My Girl.

So to whoever it was that had their finger on the button the day Assy McGee got stripped of his badge and his gun once and for all, to you I say shame on you… shame on you.

But alas, Assy McGee’s legend lives on through the Adult Swim website (here) where you can watch lots of funny clips, as well as find the Assy McGee soundboard (depicted below and found here) – note the titles of the various clips of Assy’s flatulence, listed in the left and middle columns. Outstanding.

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