Feeds:
Posts
Comments

“Bro, we could TOTALLY have our own show.”

A sharp rise in this phenomenon can be attributed to a recent upturn in edgy, crew-based, dialogue-driven shows like “It’s Always Sunny,” “The League,” “How I Met Your Mother,” etc.  Such shows have a way of making every boner with a few buds think that his crew’s schtick is just as funny, cool, and generally entertaining as any appearing on T.V. They watch those shows and say “this is so like us, man” or “we could have a show like this,” or “we should start recording ourselves and send it in to a network!”  So convinced are they of their posse’s collective comedic merit that they feel compelled to showcase it whenever a group of strangers have no choice but to sit and listen to them.

Hence, these bozos tend to strike wherever a large group of similarly situated strangers are experiencing forced downtime.  Waiting for a flight at the airport, riding on the subway, waiting in a waiting room – really any setting where people tend to sit quietly and mind their own business.  They are almost always college-aged, which is immediately evident from both their amateurish sense of humor and lack of social awareness.  

Albeit, what appears to be a conversation between friends, is really a performance – a public dialogue to entertain the less fortunate strangers who don’t have a hip clique to talk to. Usually quarterbacking the discussion is the aesthetically-inferior loudmouth of the group who fancies himself “the funny one.”  Sometimes sporting glasses, some minor man-boobage (cup size roughly 30-A), and a dingy pair of cargo shorts that rest atop wider-than-would-be-expected shins, this jerkoff fuels the conversation by busting the balls of the less boisterous crew members and alluding to party stories, past hook-ups, and inside jokes with jusssst enough detail for everyone to kind of get it. Clearly this guy thinks he is really witty. Except that he isn’t because nothing he says is even close to being funny and he just won’t shut up.

But from his witless perspective, this is his time to shine – his opportunity to show all these strangers just what kind of killer material they’ve been missing by NOT being a part of his crew. Because, clearly, with such wild party stories, such taboo inside jokes, and such ripe ball-busting abilities, we can only surmise that he and his boys are really cool and that their lives are totally epic and fun.

So, please, by all means good Sirs, carry on like hyenas so we can get a taste of your coolness. Pour us a glass of your awesomeness. Show us all how fun life is in your circle.  After all, we’ve got time to kill, and were it not for your boisterous bro-banter, we’d just have to sit here reading, working, or otherwise minding our own business like respectable people.

The Craigslist Killer: A True Adonis

This has actually been bothering me since this story first broke, however, my feelings suddenly resurfaced last night when I caught the replay of the Lifetime Original movie, “The Craigslist Killer.”

But since this story first came about, the media has been telling me how “handsome” this kid was, when I can plainly see that he looks like a demented goose.  And there is absolutely no question in my mind that this is how it went down:

Media Executives: “You know what will make this story way more sensational? If we pepper our coverage of it with the word ‘handsome.’ Cause our angle here is that it was so unexpected that a kid with everything going for him would go on a killing spree. But in order to complete that narrative, we need to make him ‘handsome.’ Cause if we admit to people that he’s got a face like a dirty old catcher’s mitt, then it won’t seem like he had everything going for him. In the grand scheme of things, we can all admit that if we saw this kid eating a tuna sandwich for lunch, it would totally make us want to throw up. But people like that do NOT have ‘everything going for them.’ SO instead of letting his gangly face ruin the narrative that we want to shove down people’s throats, we better keep talking about how handsome he is until people start accepting it as the truth. Otherwise, we will sell fewer papers and capture less viewers. And we CAN’T have that!”

And so, we get this crap:

“He presented a virtual identity to society which everyone could buy into – the guy next door, tall and blond and handsome…” – 48 Hours

“…the suspect in the Craigslist murder case turns out to be a handsome 23-year-old medical student, engaged to his college sweetheart.” – Boston Globe

“To be sure, on the surface 23-year-old Philip Markoff appears to be a handsome, clean-cut young man with a bright future.” -Associated Content (Yahoo).

To quote Nell Carter, “give me a break!” On what planet would this gawky goofball be considered handsome?

Oh yes, media outlets, we all want to know! How COULD such a handsome young man with everything going for him snap and kill so many craigslist hussies? Could it have been his gangly smile and features that made him so pissed off? Or perhaps it was his horrid, side-swiping razor burn? Or, maybe he just had some unresolved, deeply-rooted issues with his dad (seen here):

In any event, this type of media whoredom (eerily examined in the 1976 Academy Award winning movie, Network), has always made me want to puke. And that is no less the case here. It’s better for the media to say that this kid was handsome and awesome because it makes for a sexier story – much sexier than the “pale, pasty, nerd loses it and kills girls who would never sleep with him unless he paid for it” approach.

But I’m not drinking that kool-aid. This dude sucked, plain and simple. His story was mildly fascinating because he did have lot going for him. He was smart, accomplished, and engaged to a sweet gal. But “handsome” was definitely not part of the Philip Markoff package.

C’mon, I mean, ew.

 

Whether I’m staring unproductively at my work computer screen or simply lying in bed, awake but feeling like Rocky during his post-fight shower at the beginning of Rocky V, nothing is more obnoxious and more poorly received than the snarky text, g-chat, or what-have-you from the judgmental bystander who bore witness to the calamitous bender the night before.

  • SOMEBODY had a good time last night.
  • How are YOU feeling today?
  • YOU certainly had fun last night.

Though such comments are harmless and well intentioned between good buds, when said with an air of passive-aggressiveness by a person on the periphery of your friend-sphere or a co-worker you aren’t that tight with, it is more to say that, in their opinion, you acted like a drunken boob last night.

And while you’re initial reaction may be to buy into their assessment, recoil with guilt, and nervously try to remember what behavior could have prompted such a critique, don’t! Because that’s the reaction they’re hoping for, and in the grand scheme of things, you probably didn’t even do anything that uncouth or embarrassing anyway.

You see, such back-handed pleasantries are generally not motivated by objective good-will or camaraderie, but instead by feelings of jealousy that probably existed well before last night’s epicness. Maybe you perform better than them at work. Maybe you’re just more fun and people like you more. Or maybe this person just wanted to get with you and got bitter when you didn’t pay him or her any attention. Either way, their jealousy and resulting insecurities make them consistently strive to reassure themselves of their own superiority.  And what better way to do that than to leap at any and every opportunity to highlight what they perceive to be your failures.

SO, to these self-righteous weasels I say, spare me your snarky guilt-trip! I’m not sorry that I went out and got awesome last night. And I’m NOT sorry that I had more fun than a squirrel trapped in a convenience store while you chose to be the anchor on everybody’s fun-boat. Because I know your game and I know what you’re up to. And if you think your loaded sarcasm is going to fill me with next-day remorse or otherwise put a bee in my bonnet, then answer me this:

 

 


Shut up, Lady! I was only kidding… sorta.

 

Try the Nutty Bahhhs, Ya Prick!

Whether it’s professional commercial actors making a mockery of the Boston accent or simply a small business owner from Boston starring in his own ad, commercials that feature a thick Boston accent have a way of making me cringe more than that scene in About Schmidt where Kathy Bates shows full-frontal nudity.

But the weird thing is I can’t really pinpoint why they’re so painful. Maybe it’s just because the accent is so distracting. Or maybe it’s because it insults my intelligence – as if I’m going to say “wow, I’m from Boston, so I can identify with this commercial. This company totally gets me. So I’m totally gonna buy their shit!” Or maybe it’s just because I know its gonna be used against me the next time some slap-dick from New York gets drunk and tries to tell me why New York is better than Boston – a debate that misguided tourists from New York always seem to think people from Boston want to have.

Either way, I think two rules of thumb could eradicate this phenomenon once and for all:

(1) For small business owners, if your business can’t afford to make a commercial that looks professional and stars someone other than you, then don’t make one. Stick to print ads. Consumers don’t respect cheap commercials.
(2) For larger companies, don’t pander to us by lampooning the accent we hear everyday. It doesn’t inflate us with a sense of pride and it doesn’t make us say “wow, you get me.” It just makes your company look like its run by a bunch of phony weasels and it’s “wicked” lame.

Perhaps some painstaking examples could help illustrate my point:

McDonalds’ Commercial for Newman’s Own New England Blend Coffee: Possibly the most gut-wrenching ad campaign to ever come down the Pike (pun INtended). A classic example of a big company going for the “wow, you get me” effect. Epic Fail – I hate these guys.


Vodpod videos no longer available.

 

 

P S Gourmet Coffee in South Boston: This ad, starring a guy who looks like someone you’d see getting tossed from Jose McIntyre’s, is also pretty brutal. But I’m pretty sure it only airs within the Boston city limits. On UrbanSpoon.com, this joint’s only reviewer said “coffee’s decent but they have a shady crew of rapper wanna be’s hanging outside.” Gee…wouldn’t have guessed.

Side note: When I went to get this on YouTube I noticed that one month ago my friend, Luke Grilli posted a comment mocking it. Bravo, Luke. Bravo.

 

 

Olympia Sports: If I was this dad, I’d tell this jerk to pull over so I could kick his ass both for questioning my skills as a parent and for sassing my boy.


 

 

______________

 

Final Note, Unrelated to Commercials: To quote my friend, Ben Martin while once examining a mysterious piece of cafeteria meat, “What.  The Fu#k.  Is this?”


29. Cuba Gooding, Jr.

"Show me the money! The straight-to-DVD money that is!"

Although I personally thought that the slapstick romp, Rat Race was awesome, objectively I can admit that this was the beginning of the end for CGJ. For soon thereafter, in an ultimate twist of irony, the beloved actor who once won an Oscar for his performance in a movie about what a great agent he had, began methodically kicking his career in the plums by taking on crap-movie after crap-movie until his professional integrity rivaled that of his brother, Omar (of Wild ‘n’ Crazy Kids fame) who is now arguably the cooler of the Gooding brothers (mostly because he probably still hangs out with Mr. Cooper from Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper – and that guy’s pretty awesome. He also might be able to hook you up with Donnie Jeffcoat, although I heard they had a falling out – possibly over a love triangle with Annette Chavez.)

After catching his foot in his undies with Rat Race, CGJ proceeded to hop clumsily through Snow Dogs, The Fighting Temptations, and Boat Trip before going full-retard in Radio (which, as Kirk Lazarus explained in Tropic Thunder, is a death-blow to any actor’s career).

After that, things just got worse for the once great  Boy ‘n’ the Hood, as a cursory survey of his post-Radio filmography reveals a body of work slightly more impressive than that of Joey Lawrence.  Besides bit-parts in American Gangster and Norbit, the most impressive of his roughly twenty-five movies is Daddy Day Camp, the trailer for which I believe caused me to throw a shoe at my television.

And it’s sad really, because Cuba didn’t always suck. Quite the opposite, in fact – Boyz ‘n’ the Hood was the balls; Jerry Maguire was awesome; and Men of Honor was pretty sweet.  And just like everyone else, I thought for many years that Cuba was going to one day replace Morgan Freeman as Hollywood’s light-black-skin-with-freckles, sage-wise elder statesman… But it seems that that won’t happen now, as Cuba Gooding, Jr. has foregone his position as a highly sought after talent and instead opted to compete with Jean Claude Van Damme in the straight-to-DVD market.

So for allowing your once impressive career to implode; for letting me down; for letting US down; but most of all, for letting Morgan Freeman down, I say without reservation that you, Mr. Gooding Jr., SUCK!

 

Full Craigslist Post - Click To Enlarge

How is it that every rubber, tugger, and flaxen-haired murderer can turn to Craigslist to peddle their perverse wares, but I can’t recruit a local high school sports team to strap on a set of reins and tow me to work on a dog sled?

Now how the hell am I supposed to get to work?? Riddle me THAT, Craig!

You Swine!

Publicity Stunt Gone Awry! After only 35 minutes no less!

 

 

 

%d bloggers like this: